This article appeared in the March/April 2008 issue of Calgary’s Child Magazine.
The term “discipline” is derived from the Latin word discere, meaning “to learn.” A young child learns good behavior from parents who are consistent with direction. For a child under three, the key word for caregivers is often re-direction. Your child will consistently need to have their energies directed away from inappropriate behaviors towards more acceptable ones. This is an important aspect of child development. However, power struggles often erupt when caregivers fail to acknowledge the wish behind a child’s behavior. Parents need tools to regulate their child while maintaining respect for their feelings. This will strengthen the parent-child bond, which is directly linked to successful discipline.
18 months to 2 years: A child of this age lacks the cognitive ability to recall and apply previous directives. The consistent repetition of instructions, while annoying for parents, has proven essential for toddler learning. You will spend a great deal of time managing behavior in the moment. Daniel Siegel, a renowned child psychiatrist, uses the analogy of accelerator and brakes to describe how children are regulated by their parents. A toddler is very excited by the world and is easily sped up. The parent’s job is to slow them down, gently directing energies towards appropriate activities. The good news is that children actually want parents to slow them down, as children become anxious if they are unregulated by adults. However, a young child may feel shamed if they are regulated too harshly. Instead of, “NO! Stop that!!”, you might try, “The dog’s tail is not for pulling. Let’s pet the dog nicely.” It is also very important to model the behavior you would like to see, such as softly petting the dog. A toddler often responds better to physical cues than to verbal ones. Furthermore, the child is looking to the parent for modeling on just about everything.
2 to 2.5 years – A parent is likely to face they same challenges as they did during the 18-23 month phase. It is important to remember that children under 3 years are egocentric, meaning that they are unable to understand situations from any perspective but their own. Children of this age often have difficulty expressing their needs, as verbal and introspective abilities are limited. A frustrated child often resorts to a physical manifestation of displeasure, which we all recognize as the tantrum. The best way to manage tantrums is to intervene in the “pre-tantrum” stage, when the child is whining, complaining, or whimpering. Let the child know that you understand their wish or desire. Then, state simply they cannot have or do a particular thing. After stating the limit, gently re-direct them to another activity. You can use more than words to re-direct the child. As children express their feelings in physical ways, it is wise to respond in kind. Kneel down, touch them gently, slowly lead them away – wordlessly. This can often be more effective than having a talk with your 2-year old.
2. 5 to 3 years – This age is characterized by an explosion in verbal ability, making it a little easier for your toddler to express their needs. However, children under three still respond best to gentle re-direction and clear statements about limits. A child approaching age 3 will have some increased ability to remember previous instructions, although this can be easily overtaken by a child’s excitement or frustration. Remember, children of this age are explorers. They are receiving new information about the world at a rapid rate. As a result, they are easily overtaken by their emotions and are not yet skilled at planning behavior.
Here are the key things to remember when managing a toddler’s behavior:
· Express understanding of the child’s wish or desire. “I know that you would like to watch TV right now.”
· State the limit in a clear and calm way. It is preferable to state the limit as a fact. “We watch one cartoon a day and then we are done.”
· Re-direct the child to a more appropriate behavior. A combination of words and actions usually works best. As you take the child gently by the hand and lead them towards the kitchen table, you might say, “Come and colour with me.”
The choices you make with your toddler will lay the foundation for later behavior. The most important thing you are teaching at this age is emotional regulation – how to slow down after speeding up. The emotional regulation skills learned now will serve your child into adulthood. A responsive parent can teach a child these skills without resorting to punishment and power struggles, making life more pleasant for the entire family.