Stephanie Foster

A very common complaint from parents is, “I am always nagging my child to do their homework.” So, what is the answer?

The answer is to stop nagging.

Homework is the child’s responsibility. You need to tell your child this. You need to let your child know that it is up to them to monitor their schoolwork, to organize it, to complete it, and to hand it in on time. This instills in your child a sense of duty and accountability. It also teaches them to be self-governing. Nagging does not teach children to govern themselves. Moreover, it sets up an adversarial relationship between you and your child.

What is a parent’s responsibility, then? A parent’s responsibility is to give the child everything they need to get the homework done. This means a quiet environment, plenty of school supplies, and appropriate nutrition. You should also limit your child’s media consumption to two hours a day (American Academy of Pediatrics). A parent sets the child up for success. The child achieves it.

There are many parents who are actually do the child’s homework for them. For these parents, I suggest giving the child just enough help to overcome obstacles. The parent should not do all of the work, however. It is also important to allow the child to experience some logical consequences. For example, should your child print their assignment in a messy manner, let them hand it in. Allow the teacher to correct your child on their printing, or to give them a poor grade. This allows the child to see the correlation between unsatisfactory work and an unsatisfactory result. Parents need to keep grades in perspective, especially in the very early years. A bad mark can be used as a learning experience and is not permanent. If your child receives a bad mark, you should talk about what they can do differently next time. However, you should not criticize them (ie. “You did lousy work and got a lousy mark.”) Instead, you might say “It looks like you will have to do something differently next time to get a better grade. Let’s talk about some ideas.”

As I have noted elsewhere on this website, parental monitoring is very important. Your children must know that you care and are aware. You can be involved without being enmeshed. When it comes to schoolwork, children must believe that they are capable of doing it themselves. If a parent overcorrects and nags, the child will begin to internalize the message that they are not capable.

In sum:

1) Do not nag - let your child know that homework is their responsibility.

2) Set your child up for success. They need peace, quiet, and appropriate school supplies. They need nutrition that helps them to function well. A parent is also responsible for limiting obvious obstacles to school success, such as excessive media viewing. Let’s face it - every child would rather watch TV than do homework. If media limits are set early in life, children learn that there are other ways to spend time.

3) Do not help your child with homework unless they ask for help. Do not take over and do the assignment for them. You may help your child deal with a problem, but when the problem is solved, step back.

4) If your child does not put in enough effort, they may need to experience the consequence of getting a poor grade.

5) Should your child receive a poor grade, do not criticize or chastise. Help your child find a way to solve problems. However, the child puts solutions into action.

6) There is no one way to handle every situation. However, the purpose of school is to prepare the child for the world of work and/or higher education. Nagging and overcorrecting may be counterproductive, because it gives the child the sense that they are incompetent. It is vital to instill a sense of competence in children. Children need to feel that parents believe in them.

7) If your child is struggling with a subject, help them to help themselves. Tutors are fine, because it is the child that works with the tutor. The same goes for getting extra help from teachers. You can certainly brainstorm with your child, but the child has to be the one doing the work.