Stephanie Foster

This article originally appeared in Calgary’s Child magazine.

The announcement of parental separation is a major turning point in the life of a family. This event will have significant practical and emotional impacts for everyone involved. How can parents prepare for such a momentous conversation? Although every situation is different, there are some important things to keep in mind:

1)      Tell the children together – It is important for both parents to be present for this conversation. At such a challenging time, children need reassurance from Mom and Dad.

2)      Plan ahead – On the cusp of a separation, it can be difficult for parents to have a collaborative discussion. However, the children will benefit enormously if parents make clear statements about what is happening and what the children can expect for the immediate future. Most children will want details about living arrangements, including where the parents will be residing. It is also important for children to know how often they can expect to see both parents. The announcement of a family separation is a time of great uncertainty for children. This is made worse if the parents answer their every question with, “I don’t know.”  The more planning the parents do ahead of the announcement, the better. Some families may wish to consider counselling or mediation to facilitate this planning.

3)      Avoid blame – A cardinal rule for separated parents is to avoid negativity about the other in front of the children. The tone is set with the first announcement of the separation. Parents may state that they have both decided not to live together anymore. It is best to avoid all details about why Mom and Dad have decided to separate. These are issues for adults, not children.

4)      Prepare emotionally for the conversation – Many parents are surprised by the emotional intensity of announcing the separation. Parents need to strike a fine balance in this conversation. One the one hand, the display of emotion is normative for the situation. On the other, the children should not be in the position of comforting their parents. In general, parents should avoid losing control of their emotions so that they can meet the child’s needs.   

5)      Expect a strong reaction – Children vary a great deal in their reactions to a family separation. Anger, sadness, and withdrawal are all common responses. It is important for parents to understand that the child is experiencing a great loss and needs time to grieve.

6)      Emphasize your love and commitment for the children – A child may worry that they are the cause the separation, or that one or both parents will abandon them. It is important to reinforce that the separation is not the child’s fault, and that the children will continue to have relationships with both parents. In this situation, you can never reassure too often.

This article appeared in the May/June 2008 issue of Calgary’s Child Magazine

 “The essence of discipline is finding effective alternatives to punishment.” Dr. Haim Ginott, Child Psychologist

 The challenge of discipline is to teach lessons positively rather than punitively. Positive discipline does not mean that the child will always be happy with limits. They may express sadness, frustration, and anger at the limits placed upon them. These feelings are normal when we want something we cannot have. A parent can empathize with these emotions but still maintain the limit. A parent should always be accepting of feelings, even when behavior cannot be sanctioned.

Understanding a Three/Four-Year-Old

A child of this age now uses language to express their desires. The child is becoming more social and interested in people beyond their parents. As they progress into the third year, they begin to recognize that others may think and feel differently than they do. This understanding, however, is quite rudimentary. This is why the notion of cooperation remains a struggle for a three or four-year-old. However, the child now has the ability to internalize instructions. They have a greater capacity to understand cause and effect. Remember, though, that this understanding is often trumped by a child’s drive to explore the world. As a child approaches four, they will become more skilled at planning behavior. The developmental goals of this age group are will, purpose, and self-control. It is important not to shame the child’s wishes and desires. A parent can acknowledge and validate these desires, while still teaching the skills for self-control.

 Parents and caregivers may apply some of these disciplinary guidelines:

         Be consistent on the green, yellow, and red zones of behavior. Green is always permitted, yellow is slow down or re-direct, and red is not acceptable under any circumstances. A three or four year-old gets very confused if a behavior is in the yellow zone on Tuesday and in the red zone on Wednesday. For example, hitting a parent is a red zone behavior. For red zone behaviors, it is important to immediately state what is unacceptable and provide the child with an alternative, such as: “I cannot allow you to hit. People are not for hitting. If you are mad, stomp your feet instead.” On the flip side, it is important to allow what is allowable. Children are childish. They are going to run instead of walk, talk in loud voices, and be messy eaters. If children are given a reasonable green zone, they are more receptive to limits in the red zone.

         Accept feelings, state limits, and then problem solve. It is important that a child has their feelings and wishes acknowledged before you start stating limits. An understood child is a calmer child. You might begin by saying, “ You are very excited about your new tricycle.” The limit can then be stated: “We cannot ride the tricycle in the street because it is unsafe.” Finally, you can problem solve and find alternatives: “You can ride your tricycle all up and down the driveway.”

         The child is not always going to like you. They may say, “ I hate you!” They may show frustration and anger when limits are set. A parent can accept the child’s feelings and even acknowledge the wish behind the anger, such as, “You wish that you could stay up all night.” It is remarkable how much a child’s anger diminishes when their wish is acknowledged. Not granted – just acknowledged. 

          Time-outs may become an appropriate strategy around age three. However, time-outs must be used sensitively and carefully. It is not necessary to use a time-out when a simple re-direction will do the trick. A parent might consider  using time-outs only for red zone behaviors, such as hitting others. The purpose of a time-out is to remove the child from the problematic situation and to help them calm down.  It is best if the time-out place is one where the parent and child can see each other. Please avoid using terms like, “the naughty corner.” Simply call it the “time-out place.” As for the timing, respond to the child’s cues. If the child is calm after 30 seconds, end the time-out. This helps the child to understand the purpose of a time-out, which is to calm down. If a child is kept in a time-out once they are already calm, they are less likely to internalize the meaning behind it. It is very important to see the time-out from the child’s perspective. A time-out, if mishandled, can appear to the child as a form of rejection or banishment. The message of the time-out needs to be: “I want to help you to calm down.” The child needs to perceive time-out as a tool for learning, not a tool for punishment.

A child of three or four is a remarkable being. They are beginning to understand the relationships between ideas and their thinking is growing more complex. This is in parallel to the great excitement and curiosity that they have about the world.  Through the use of consistent and sensitive strategies, parents can teach self-control while preserving the child’s self-esteem.

This article appeared in the March/April 2008 issue of Calgary’s Child Magazine.

The term “discipline” is derived from the Latin word discere, meaning “to learn.” A young child learns good behavior from parents who are consistent with direction. For a child under three, the key word for caregivers is often re-direction. Your child will consistently need to have their energies directed away from inappropriate behaviors towards more acceptable ones. This is an important aspect of child development. However, power struggles often erupt when caregivers fail to acknowledge the wish behind a child’s behavior. Parents need tools to regulate their child while maintaining respect for their feelings. This will strengthen the parent-child bond, which is directly linked to successful discipline.

18 months to 2 years: A child of this age lacks the cognitive ability to recall and apply previous directives. The consistent repetition of instructions, while annoying for parents, has proven essential for toddler learning. You will spend a great deal of time managing behavior in the moment. Daniel Siegel, a renowned child psychiatrist, uses the analogy of accelerator and brakes to describe how children are regulated by their parents. A toddler is very excited by the world and is easily sped up. The parent’s job is to slow them down, gently directing energies towards appropriate activities. The good news is that children actually want parents to slow them down, as children become anxious if they are unregulated by adults. However, a young child may feel shamed if they are regulated too harshly. Instead of, “NO! Stop that!!”, you might try, “The dog’s tail is not for pulling. Let’s pet the dog nicely.” It is also very important to model the behavior you would like to see, such as softly petting the dog. A toddler often responds better to physical cues than to verbal ones. Furthermore, the child is looking to the parent for modeling on just about everything.

2 to 2.5 years – A parent is likely to face they same challenges as they did during the 18-23 month phase. It is important to remember that children under 3 years are egocentric, meaning that they are unable to understand situations from any perspective but their own. Children of this age often have difficulty expressing their needs, as verbal and introspective abilities are limited. A frustrated child often resorts to a physical manifestation of displeasure, which we all recognize as the tantrum. The best way to manage tantrums is to intervene in the “pre-tantrum” stage, when the child is whining, complaining, or whimpering. Let the child know that you understand their wish or desire. Then, state simply they cannot have or do a particular thing. After stating the limit, gently re-direct them to another activity. You can use more than words to re-direct the child. As children express their feelings in physical ways, it is wise to respond in kind. Kneel down, touch them gently, slowly lead them away – wordlessly. This can often be more effective than having a talk with your 2-year old.

2. 5 to 3 years – This age is characterized by an explosion in verbal ability, making it a little easier for your toddler to express their needs. However, children under three still respond best to gentle re-direction and clear statements about limits. A child approaching age 3 will have some increased ability to remember previous instructions, although this can be easily overtaken by a child’s excitement or frustration. Remember, children of this age are explorers. They are receiving new information about the world at a rapid rate. As a result, they are easily overtaken by their emotions and are not yet skilled at planning behavior.

Here are the key things to remember when managing a toddler’s behavior:

· Express understanding of the child’s wish or desire. “I know that you would like to watch TV right now.”

· State the limit in a clear and calm way. It is preferable to state the limit as a fact. “We watch one cartoon a day and then we are done.”

· Re-direct the child to a more appropriate behavior. A combination of words and actions usually works best. As you take the child gently by the hand and lead them towards the kitchen table, you might say, “Come and colour with me.”

The choices you make with your toddler will lay the foundation for later behavior. The most important thing you are teaching at this age is emotional regulation – how to slow down after speeding up. The emotional regulation skills learned now will serve your child into adulthood. A responsive parent can teach a child these skills without resorting to punishment and power struggles, making life more pleasant for the entire family.

The article below appears in the January/February 2008 issue of Calgary’s Child magazine.